My Story of Grief

Recently, my family was stuck with that most tragic of news that every family receives but no one ever expects. A few weeks ago, we got the call that one of the closest people in my life has been diagnosed with late-stage terminal cancer.

So, how does someone who teaches about spirituality grieve? Do they grieve? What does loss look like to someone who teaches non-attachment and impermanence? In today's podcast, I share my story of grief and loss, how spirituality has been my rock and guiding light in these dark times, and how we can all prepare for, and survive, these most challenging of times.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

*****
If you ever feel like my words brought a change in your life, and want to show your SUPPORT for what I am doing, click here.

Find all of my BOOKS for wherever you are on your spiritual journey: https://www.eastwesticism.org/spiritual-meditation-books/

Want to gift a book to a prisoner? Go here.

Transcript

0:02

Welcome to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter our world is a projection of our collective consciousness, the more peace we bring into our lives, the more peace we bring into this world. So let the transformation begin. Today is a special podcast, I have been off for a couple of weeks. Because a dear dear person in my life, who has been more than a father figure, closer to father has been diagnosed with very late stage, pancreatic cancer. And we got the news. And our lives were just turned upside down immediately. You know, we went from having a great afternoon and a great week, to just all of those emotions and fear and panic and worry and heartbreak, for everyone in the family, who is going through this incredibly difficult time. And it is truly the most difficult time there is no greater loss than the loss of a person who has always been there in your life and took up such a huge space in your life. To just have everything turned on its head, there is no no situation quiet like it, you know, we always say about our daily stresses of work and finances or relationships, you know, it's not life or death. Well, that does not apply in this most difficult of times. And so our world was turned upside down. And we got our first flight out of town to go be with him in the family. And we're just staying with him and his family for as long as it takes. And just trying to be some source of comfort for everyone is anyone who has experienced some kind of cancer or illness with them or someone they love in their life knows just how difficult it is. I mean, it is to go from utter shock, to utter despair, towards moments of delusional hope and optimism and coming to terms with that loss and going through that cycle over and over again. And it is torture for the people that witness it as well. And so this podcast I want to talk a little about grief. And I want to talk about what that looks like what we can expect in that process, which will face all of us at some point in our lives. And a few things that we can do to create the best possible strangers that may sound grieving experience because within every storm is the rainbow that comes out later. And within every sunrise is a sunset, within every birth is death. And within every love is grief. Because the only way to have a life free from loss is to have a life free from love. And as difficult as it may be in times of loss. We all choose a life of love. So first I want to talk about the grieving process and what it looks like and what we can and hope to remember when we are faced with the loss of a loved one, or confronted with our own mortality. If there is one thing that I can hope for everyone on this planet to do is to do as the Buddha called, die before we die. And what he means by that is simply to expand our consciousness and awareness. So that we see the impermanence of the things in our lives that seem permanent. We cannot see a plant growing before our eyes, it looks totally still, we can't see a baby grow into an adult, unless we look back over pictures, and see the progression that way. And so things seem permanent. And in our subconscious mind, they become permanent, even though we know that everything is impermanent, that nothing lasts forever, that everything changes. We spend more time in permanence than we do in impermanence. And so we become subconsciously programmed to believe that everything is permanent, and will last forever, and our egos, that clinging, grasping part of our mind, trying to grab something permanent to hold on to, and just can't find anything. It will attach itself to impermanence. But if we can remember, when we receive a new present, a new car, that this will break down one day. And if we can maintain our awareness in the impermanence of everything, nothing will survive a million years, most likely, not even Beethoven, or Mozart. How do I know this because no one remembers any story that happened a million years ago. We all come from source we will all return from source. And if we can remember the impermanent nature, if we can almost like a mantra, as often as possible. Whenever we are anywhere, we remember the impermanent nature of everything. And each time we do, we program our subconscious, a little more, and a little more. And this doesn't bring panic, or fear, or worry or stress, like many people might think quite the opposite. It brings us gratitude, and we treat people with the love and respect they deserve, and never take them for granted. And so, the more we reflect on the impermanent nature of reality, and meditate on the fleeting sensation, of everything we experience, and we notice how every sensation merely arises and falls away. Just like everything else in the universe, the nature of our thoughts, and our feelings, and everything under the cosmos is temporary and simply arises and falls away. There loss may still bring sadness, and there will be a grieving process as there must be, as there must be this beautiful, remarkable process that helps humans overcome the unthinkable. When we lose those people closest to us, we feel the floor swept out from underneath us. And we feel like we are just a drift. But if we practice impermanence and detachment, before loss, then that fall doesn't seem so insurmountable. And this grieving process is the process of our brains, which had a deep hardwiring, of a person that took up space in our lives in our hearts and our minds. And it has to come to terms with this gaping hole. And so we have this beautiful expression of love, take place in every human being, when we lose a loved one, this transitioning and new understanding of our lives, and our place within the universe. And all I can wish for everyone who's grieving the loss of a loved one is to forgive yourself, of those inevitable feelings of regret. And don't confuse this beautiful process, which should be focused on our loved one with anger at whether it's doctors, or a driver, or God, or anyone else. There may be anger, there may be anger at ourselves, we may feel like we could have done something. But only hindsight, is 2020. And if there was anything we could have done, we would have saved our loved ones, we couldn't have changed our schedule that day, or made a different care decision, or anything else, we are all operating to the best of our ability, doctors are not perfect, we do not fully understand the human body. And there are a infinite amount of factors that go into every little action and choice we make. There are so many that not one person can have much responsibility for anyone's passing. There are too many factors even in a murder, we must acknowledge that, that perpetrator, most likely, if we had their brain, their body and grew up in their shoes, in their neighborhood with their experiences, how could we not do exactly what they had done. And so, forgiveness is so crucial to keeping this process that is a beautiful expression of love. Pure and Clean and simple and manageable. There will be anger, there will be regret, and bargaining and denial and all of those stages that help us process this on imaginable heartache. But just like the elephants, who cry at the loss of their loved ones who visit the graveyard where they bury their dead and visit every year who mourn just like we do. These acts of love are essential to honoring the lost and to honoring their memory and to live as they would want us to. I heard a great quote recently from a grief counselor specialist. I can't recall his name but he said that someone wants to ask him how long will I grieve for and his response was, how long will the person you lost be dead for and this is essential to understand that we will never get over the loss of a loved one. It is not something we Forgive, we can let go. These are people who were huge parts of our lives. And we wouldn't want to forget them if we could. And there's no way we can reach a place where we say yes, that death was fantastic. But what we learned to do is integrate that grief into a way that brings meaning, purpose, and even joy to our lives. And we do this by truly integrating their memories into our lives, we don't try to forget them, we do the opposite. We create a vibrant relationship with their spirit. If you lose a parent, half of them is inside you. Every memory is inside you. And when we know people on a level like that, they speak through us, and they speak to us. And we can speak to them, we can hear their guidance, we can know their mind, and they are with us all the time. Wherever we go. And in this way, there is a deeper relationship that can take place. And while we grieve, do not fear for their eternal soul, do not fear, the pain or the process. Just like being born, coming from source, consciousness, awakening into the universe when we're born, and returning to source from whence we came. These eternal, infinite spirits, or consciousness, or one life, we have worn the veil of separateness we have put on these meat suits. And we are simply taking off our costume and merging back with that one true source. Free from that illusion of separateness, and that narrow point of consciousness, and once again, becoming everything, everywhere, all at once, forever in our lives. And so what else is there to do, but to live as they would wish. And I wish that everyone at my funeral, has smiles on their face, and is celebrating my life. And it is a joyous raucous good time. And I assume that most people wish for their loved ones to live on, live as fully as possible. To not spend one moment crying to let them know that it's fine. I believe it was rom das who said death is perfectly safe. And it truly is. And the more we remember, hopefully even before loss happens. So we are prepared. So it doesn't knock us over is to remember that grief is an expression of love. And it has nothing to be feared or resisted. And the more we let it wash over us The more healed we can become. Let yourself weep every day, if you need to, they say set aside some time to do that. And to just think of your love for them and just meditate on that. Not the memories, or the things that could have been. But just on that love you have for them. And this will communicate to our body, that there is a new relationship with this person. Do not blame yourself, no one is that powerful. And so try not to blame anyone else as well. Because we don't need anger mixed in to the grief and love. Still. Of course, if there's a lawsuit, you know, or any kind of legal fight, that's different, but as far as the fight in our heart goes, Let's do our best to let that go. Forgive others, just as we hoped we would be forgiven and forgive ourselves. Trust the universe and nature's beautiful plan that is beyond our understanding, but we are just evolutionary links in the chain. Here to evolve and evolve our consciousness and to try to carve out as best a life we can full of love, peace and presence. There is nobody who has made it out of life victoriously we have all succumbed to our final day, and though many have tried to find a way to pay or bribe or finance no one has succeeded. And so what else is there to do? But love ourselves, love each other and make the most of the time we have. And maybe that is why we live in a fleeting ever changing universe. You've been listening to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. Being here and putting in this important and noble work is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and others. If you found this podcast even a little helpful. Please make sure to leave a review so it can reach others who may be in need. And remember, the path to peace starts with a single step.