What If My Partner Is Spiritually at a Different Place?

As we embark upon the spiritual journey within, we may find that what we used to like no longer allures us. We may find that things we once disliked are now peaceful and calming. And as we change, we may notice our relationships also changing. This is a normal part of growth that happens throughout our lives.

But what do we do when the people we love refuse to take responsibility for their energy and their unmindful behavior? How do we watch our loved ones suffer when we know they could get better with meditation? How do we remain empathetic to close friends and family who continue blaming everyone else and keep causing more suffering for themselves and others? I answer these questions and more in today's podcast.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

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Transcript

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Welcome to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter our world is a projection of our collective consciousness, the more peace we bring into our lives, the more peace we bring into this world. So let the transformation begin. The question today is, what to do if your partner is spiritually at a different place than you are? Ultimately, this question really comes down to two things, there is really two stages of spirituality and spiritual development. And of course, there's many different stages in each, but you could really divide it down into the beginner, advanced, that new, inexperienced meditator, mindful practitioner, and your very advanced meditators long time, 10,000 hours of meditation type of people. And something that is very common that I've talked about before, is in that earliest phase, where we are tearing down those walls we've built up in our mind, so that we are opening our hearts to the world. So we are allowing ourselves to experience that oneness, and to get out of our heads and into the here and now. And it is a very vulnerable thing, because we are opening our hearts, and we are not familiar with this spiritual level. And so we can experience very sensitive feelings, we can become very sensitive, we can become very empathetic. And we can suffer greatly from the suffering of people around us. And when we have questions like, my partner, isn't meditating, my partner's not wanting to go down the spiritual path with me. The frustration that comes from that is the old way of thinking. It's not the spiritual way of looking at it, because the old way of looking is trying to perfect our external circumstances, trying to create an environment around us, that will enable us to be peaceful and joyful. Advanced meditators, people who have been on this path for a very long time, have become very familiar with that openness, they have become confident in that open vulnerability, they don't need the walls. And they can also witness whatever wife has to throw at them. Good and bad. They maintain a peaceful presence. To these experts. They know that inner peace and joy are completely irrelevant to what is happening around them. They know that they and they alone, are responsible for their happiness, and their peace. They don't expect the world to practice with them. They don't expect the world to be as kind and compassionate as someone who has trained in compassion and kindness, daily for years. Now, the good news is, we do not need to spend years meditating, before we reach some of that insight that we gained from the second stage simply by recognizing this old way tendency creeping back in this wanting to control our situations, wanting to make sure that nothing can possibly disturb us. And when we notice that desire creeping in, and that urge to blame others for our stress, that can become our practice. That can be our reminder to turn our gaze inward and to recognize the true cause of stress. And it is always our mental unconscious reaction to something that happened. it outside of us. Now, when we are dating, when we're looking for a life partner, we do make choices. We don't just approach it like a spiritual monk, and we just date one person on our first date. And we just say to ourselves, I must practice acceptance, I must practice letting go of expectations, and I must marry this first person I've dated, and just accept whatever happens, no, we are not forced to date anyone that doesn't match our values, or have whatever we're looking for in a relationship, we are free to leave. And if we do so mindfully, with compassion and kindness and respect, we are under no obligation to stay with someone. But if we have unrealistic expectations, if we are looking for an identical twin, and not physically but metaphorically, figuratively, we are looking for someone to be just like us eat like us think like us, then we are going to find ourselves alone, because nobody out there has shared our entire life experience. And so no two people are alike in everything. And we might not even like that, if we found it, because we might find it to be very boring, and to not enhance us, you know, where we are lacking. Each person will have a different criteria. Some people it will be very important, what religion someone is others, what they like to eat, and everyone is different, and everyone may not be right for everyone else. But whatever it is that matters most to you, then we can gain some insight into what kind of person may be right for us. And no person will check off every box. And that is okay, because our partners don't need to fulfill every single role in every person's life. Our romantic partner doesn't need to also be our best friend, also our therapist, also our housekeeper, also, the nanny, also the worker, also a comedian, also excetera, etc, etc. And so, what matters to you will be different for everybody. And it will change as we grow. So we only need to remain mindful of our center of that calm eye of the storm, our true center that is always at peace, which is often obscured by a chaotic mind and obscured again, by a chaotic society that we live in. But that is our

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middle path and our True North compass that tells us the intuition and instincts that go deeper than our conscious thoughts. And when we can reach that level of calm and clarity, we will know what is right in each situation, we will not see the partner that we were fighting with, who was frustrated me we will see a full complete human being and we will understand that people are always changing, people are always growing and people are complex, with infinite depth and can continue to surprise us as well as hold within them. infinite potential for love, kindness, and transformation, just like every single one of us. So if you are wondering if this relationship is right or not, make sure that the issue at hand is not you trying to control a situation. Make sure that you're not blaming someone else for your unhappiness. That is something that is coming from you instead of someone else. It's really easy to blame others it is much harder For us to look at our reaction. And it is difficult because something did start it. But we did not have to get upset, we did not have to respond with stress. Many people in the world can hear any sort of insult. And they can smile, and extend love and compassion to this person who is trying to hurt others because they are hurting. And the most important thing to remember is that, while we feel like we are becoming enlightened, and we're surrounded by these idiots, not literally. But when we do feel like that, I know what I know that feeling when we meditate for a little bit. And we have like an incredible, blissful, profound meditation. And we are sure that we are the reincarnation of Buddha. And you know, we are the most enlightened beings. And then we are surrounded by unenlightened beings that make us so mad and angry and furious. Well, hate to tell you, you weren't the Buddha. You know, neither was I, we, it feels like it, we you know, we have a moment of insight. And we're just sure that we're transformed forever. And we want to blame someone else for bringing us back down to earth back down to reality. But the truth was, we were never enlightened, we had a glimpse, a brief fleeting moment, these are very normal and very common, and also very normal and common to mistake it for some permanent transformed state. But the truth is, we can never completely control our surroundings, we can never, as hard as we want to try, create the ideal conditions, so that nothing ever makes us freak out panic, have stress or anxiety or depressed ever again. We cannot do this, there will always be something there's too many people all trying to do that in this world. And those people clash all the time, from trying to create these conditions. And they get so mad when someone gets in their way. And they blame that person for all of their anger and frustration. The wise person understands that, because external situations can never be completely controlled. Where we can put our attention, time and focus is within it is our reaction that we can always work on. We can always be more patient, more compassionate, more kind, more loving. It just takes practice. And every single time that something upsets us, that is that golden moment, that incredible opportunity to respond more wisely, and more skillfully. Those are the times we look to ourselves. We look to this moment, not the moment that caused this moment, but we stay with this moment. And how we are feeling in this moment. Are we blaming are we accepting a true practitioner understands human nature and the human condition and is surprised by nothing, because they understand deeply that humans all fall on different points on the path. They don't try to change anyone. But if someone asks for a hand, they lend a hand. If someone expresses interest, the practitioner shares their wisdom. Other than that the practitioner lives as an example. Because this is the greatest way we can inspire people and bring them over. Fear and threats are terrible motivators because when people are alone, they will try to get away with not working similarly, bribery or use of force are also terrible motivators, because people will only get away with doing the least they can do. But when people are inspired, when people see what you are doing, and aspire towards that, that is what real motivation is. Because that is the kind of motivation that someone will work on, whether you're there looking over their shoulder or not. And it's super important to also remember that, if we are struggling, because we're around people who are not as spiritual as we are, then we are not as spiritual as we would like to think we are. Because spirituality, when you really boil it down is about ending, desire, ending want. And underneath that, comes, accepting what is and letting go of everything else. So we are just fully present, fully mindful, fully, alert, yet relaxed. And part of what that means is letting go have an idea of a partner and accepting everyone, as they are. When we are deeply spiritual, and have progressed greatly down this spiritual path.

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No one else can bring us down, nobody can hurt us, we may choose to leave a situation, we may choose to change a situation. But we are not attached to the outcome. And we are not clinging to any result that may or may not come, we are simply fully present, and acting on the moment with our greatest intelligence and attention. When we start to see our partners in this way, we begin to accept and love every flaw, every imperfection, and we try to change nothing. We simply know that love is that healing tonic, if our partner is stressed, and if their worries are annoying us. Or if they are, you know, really driving us crazy, they're not being present, they're holding on to the past and complaining about something from long ago or, you know, whatever it is that we may find frustrating in the moment, quite simply, our love and compassion can be more powerful at transforming our partners mood, then suggesting meditation, or mindfulness or whatever it was that worked for us. There's this very funny phenomenon very funny to watch. When someone learns a new skill, or they learn some new fact, or they start to learn a new skill, all of a sudden, they go around to everyone they've know, and start telling them how they've got to do this new thing, how it's totally changed their life, and you're a fool if you don't do it. I think this is most common with diets. You know, someone can be eating a certain way their entire life. And they read a book or see some new diet and they go on it. And now they are the biggest evangelists for that diet. They are unpaid marketers for this new diet. And anyone who doesn't go on it is crazy. And all their friends are probably thinking this guy who can't stop talking about this new diets crazy. And so that is just one other aspect to be mindful of which is just because we just started this spiritual path. You know, we just started meditating. We just learned about this new ashram or this new top barometer. Nope, just kidding. But whatever we learned, we want to share it with everyone and we You know, are 100% certain that this is the way and this will always be the way and I everyone needs to know. And if they don't know, there, something's wrong with them, you know, we need to get all of that thinking out of our head, we need to become mindful of that. And, and just conscious. And then we won't do that unconsciously so much. It's totally normal. When we discover something that brings value to our lives, that we want to share it, we just have to be mindful of how it's being received, as well. And so the more we practice mindfulness, the more aware we become of how things get received, the more aware we become of whether we are pushing too much whether we are not saying enough, and we're being timid. And we will know all of these answers in each moment, because we are fully present. And we need to also be mindful of that tendency for arrogance, to come into spirituality, it can be very easy once we really begin to heighten our awareness. And we notice things that most people don't perceive. And we notice a lot of things like people not caring as much, or people stressing for no reason, or whatever it is, as we heighten our levels of awareness, it is normal to feel like you have this superpower, just like someone learns the piano, they have a skill and ability that most people do not have. And so it's important to remember that true spirituality is about compassion, and egolessness. And so we must always recognize when that ego creeps in, and we must just watch it and stay mindful of it so that it doesn't take us over. Every single person is different, and where one person might be very meditative and mindful, and maybe even has been meditating for years and has spent time in monasteries or ashrams. This person may be with a partner, who does none of those things. But maybe the partner is incredibly sweet, and thoughtful, and loving, and affectionate, and generous. And all of these things that we can be without meditation and mindfulness. And maybe the meditator is not the best cook, or maybe doesn't believe in buying presents, because they're a minimalist, or, you know, whatever the reason, I'm just trying to point out that some people may be great meditators, and some people may be the sweetest person you'll ever meet. And that can be a beautiful, perfect couple. And there is no reason that everyone has to be a certain way, doing a certain thing. And even doing what may be in their own best interest. We may struggle and suffer to see someone not doing what we feel, could help them. But that is our own suffering. That is our issue to deal with, not theirs, their issue is theirs. And our issue is our own. And the more that we can internalize that and incorporate it into every fiber of our being, we will immediately become much happier, much more peaceful people. Any friends, acquaintances, loved ones, they all respond better, to inspiring examples. Instead of preaching in lectures, so accept people as they are and get rid of any inner conflict about that. live by example, and love, without expectations or trying to change people, just as we want others, to love us. Keep being that example. And that safe refuge so that your partner feels comfortable coming to you when they are suffering and when they feel safe to ask for help. And even if that day never comes, we can still be there for them with love and compassion. So, if you have completely changed since you've met your partner, since going down the spiritual path, and you feel there is a divergence and a gap to great to reconcile, then it is possible that there may even be a mutually agreed upon loving separation, which can come when both parties are mindfully aware of irreconcilable differences. But I just want to leave you with a quote that I think really sums up everything about this topic, and I couldn't find this quote, I feel like I heard it somewhere before, but I could not find it again. So I'm going to paraphrase it, and I apologize, who I couldn't find the name of the source, but it goes something like this. A fool looks to others to blame for how he feels. The wise knows, only he is responsible for how he feels. And I'll even leave with one more quote from myself. And that is, somebody can be incredible at meditation. They may be spiritually, totally enlightened. And they may be a terrible cook, or a terrible driver.

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So always remember that. Thank you so much for listening. Much love. You've been listening to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. Being here and putting in this important and noble work is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and others. If you found this podcast even a little helpful. Please make sure to leave a review so it can reach others who may be in need. And remember, the path to peace starts with a single step.