How to Deal with Regrets in Life

We've all been there. We think things are going to go one way, and then life throws us a curveball. We  try to plan, control and predict every little thing, but this universe has bigger plans than our little ideas.

We will all have moments in our lives that we wish went differently. The question is, will we learn from it? Will we be open to the  possibilities that this new path has in store for us? Or will we allow ourselves to be consumed by regret and despair?

In today's podcast, I share some very simple but effective ways we can let go of a regretful past, how we can find the lessons, and how we can move forward with courage and optimism.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

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Transcript

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Welcome to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter our world is a projection of our collective consciousness, the more peace we bring into our lives, the more peace we bring into this world. So let the transformation begin. Most human suffering stems from us being unable to let go of our past, let go of our worries about the future. And even let go of the thoughts that pass through our field of consciousness. And instead of just witnessing them go by, we cling on to them. But letting go doesn't limit itself to just the things that happen. We can also cling to things that didn't happen, that we wished would happen, or choices we wish we had made. And this is why regret can be such a pervasive presence in our lives. Because the attachment to what could have been, can become a focal point of our attention, more so than even something that did come to pass. Because when something does come to pass, subconsciously, we don't feel like we need to attach and grasp on to it so hard because it existed, it was real, it happened. And so part of us knows, we don't have to control that situation. after the fact. Regret is something entirely different. Because regret isn't just a choice that we wish was made differently. It is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, ranging from self critical and self hatred, to blaming others for our choices that we made. And a deep anger and hatred can even emerged because we want to blame someone else for what we see as our big failure in life. Our ego becomes badly bruised, when what we wished for our life didn't pan out. And when we have those big, inflated egos, and our life doesn't go exactly to plan that becomes immense, egoic suffering, because we identify with the ego. It's that thinking brain that says, It is us, and it has our voice. And we believe that it is our highest self, when in fact, it's really just the fear based part of the brain. And so all of this pain, this self critical nature, this outward critical nature, and this bruised ego inside, all combine to give food to our fixation, and it gives fuel to that mental state so that we can really dwell in a state of misery, and despair. The way we can overcome those feelings of regret, is to do three things. The first is to reframe that regretful event. The second thing is to reframe our self and how we see ourself. And the third is to practice letting go. So the way we reframe an event in our lives, is we try to see it from different perspectives, so that we can see it clearly and more truthfully. And as we look with clarity, we begin to notice the causes that lead to the incident. And we can see the causes that lead to those causes. And we can really easily and quickly see that the choice we made was exactly the choice we needed to make at that time, that we couldn't have made another choice if we wanted to. And as this wisdom and understanding are arises from our decision, we can even begin to start to unravel that regretful feeling, because as the wisdom about that situation emerges, a very clear conclusion becomes apparent, and that is that fault and blame cannot coexist. When there were so many causes, outside of our control, we can forgive ourselves. And that understanding can give us some peace of mind that we did do our best in that moment that we, with the knowledge we had, did make the right decision. And more importantly, it was the only decision that was possible based on all of the factors combined. And we can really look at every regret like this, because any choice any thought you have any word you utter, is coming from so much more than your mind. It is because of your entire life experience, and your entire life experience was shaped by the life experience of everyone you've ever known. And their life experience was shaped by everyone and everything that has ever happened to them. Your thoughts, words, and choices are the choices of the universe, they are so far out of our control, that we can let go of any need to control any grasping, have some sort of familiarity or sense of power over our situation. And we can open up and trust in this magnificent universe because it is bigger than us. And we can feel like we are all powerful of our destiny. But one meteor strike will upend that theory. Only when we judge the past, by today, can we ever feel regret, because there's a chance that that choice you made you regret could have been the thing that made all your dreams come true. We just didn't know at the time. And when we even look back on our regretful event, we can even see that what we know today may not be the final word on that choice. That may be that thing we wished happened, would have made something that will happen in the near future, impossible to happen. And that that regret, opened a door to a bigger life than you ever dreamed. Now, I know that if you've lived a life where there's a lot of regret, where there's a lot of setbacks, it may feel like that's just not true that that may happen for some people, but not for me. Well, that, again, is the fear based ego talking because everything changes constantly. And if something has been happening for a very long time, that actually means that change is likely sooner than later. It's really just like after we eat a large meal, and we say I will never be hungry again. Even though we know deep down with 100% certainty. In just a few hours, we will regain our hunger and yet to the thinking mind that impulsive, impatient, instant gratification. fear based, always wanting to acquire knowledge, facts and materialism. That thinking brain feels like everything is forever. But in our heart, we know that everything is changing all the time. And so if you

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recognize that doubt, that things won't change. If you recognize that believing that thought causes suffering, and you can stay mindful of those kinds of thoughts coming into your mind and you can peacefully watch them come in peacefully let them go Then you become free from those thoughts, you become free from that story. And you become free from any sense of regret, doubt, self criticism and clinging to the past. The second thing we have to do is reframe ourselves. All regret, can only come, because we feel we must be perfect. Because we feel like we need to perform. And we feel that a single setback in our lives, or a single obstacle, a single failure is the end, we are very extreme in our thoughts, and we tend to blow everything out of proportion, we tend to rush to panic, and delay our joy because of a fear mentality and a scarcity mentality. The truth is, if you fly over this earth, if you go on an airplane, you will see mostly wide open spaces and land, it is mostly undeveloped. We don't need to have a scarcity mindset. Of course, we all must work and earn and provide for ourselves and our families. But we don't need to stress, we don't need to be perfect. And we don't need to put pressure on ourselves, which only makes our work less enjoyable. Most of the time, from when we are children, and those pesky grades. So many children incorporate that pressure. And they really apply it to themselves. And they are so hard on themselves. We see young children in many different cultures that have internalized stress, pressure, and perfectionism from the adults in their lives, and they are really suffering. And whether it's a business, or our self, the best way to manage human beings is through purpose, and fulfillment. The worst way to manage anybody is micromanaging, yelling, threatening, insulting, and just generally being incredibly hard on yourself. Or if you're accompany your employees, numerous studies have come out showing that there are two management styles in business there is the old way, which says that everyone hates to work. And you need to really ride them hard. And then there's the second school of thought this new emergence largely thanks to companies like Google, that have become famous for treating their employees very well. And for having a very positive, healthy, fulfilling work environment. At Google, and Apple, and many other, more newer companies, they have embraced the idea that people want to work when their work is fulfilling and meaningful, when the job doesn't just give them a paycheck, but it makes their life better. And while not every company has adopted this. And while it may not be right for every single company, we certainly can understand that we want to be treated the kind way and that we don't want to have that inner conflict within us where our ego is making us feel like crap, or worse, tries to fire us. So we can all hopefully agree that we want at least as good a relationship with our selves with our mind, with our thinking brains, as Google does with its employees. And that happens really simply by just understanding. We are all here doing our best. We were all born knowing Absolutely nothing. And we grew up in this very strange world that is very unlike most of human history. And so we don't need to be hard on ourselves. If we aren't fully prepared. We don't need to compare ourselves to people who are born with more opportunities or better parents or had any more advantages than we did. We can simply love ourselves completely. Because we can understand that when we love ourselves, just like when we love a child, we want the best for them. It's not done through fear, or anger, or criticism. When we love, we show that love by helping people grow, evolve, learn and change. And that is the only thing we can do when it comes to regret. Because focusing on the past, fixating on these negative moments of regret, serve no purpose, except trapping us in that difficult past. With love, we show ourselves a better way forward. We encourage our growth and learning, we encourage our own dreams and goals, and we help ourselves, reach them. Whatever mistakes we have made in the past, were important lessons to learn, that needed to be learned. And sometimes those lessons can seem hard. But we can always be grateful that it happened sooner, rather than later, when the stakes were higher, and the damage could be greater. Every single one of us will make mistakes. But if we learn from those mistakes, then they were not mistakes. They were essential lessons to helping us reach our potential. Sometimes we might not like the lesson. But there is always a lesson. If we look hard enough. And this is why there are no mistakes. There are no regrets. There is no perfection. And it is in that uncertainty, and randomness and seeming chaos. That makes the beautiful moments in our lives. So much more beautiful, so much more precious. Because if everything we ever wanted, always came true, we would actually crave regret and setbacks, because they were the variety and the spice of life that made our experience here so beautiful.

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The third thing we need to do to heal from regret, is to practice letting go so that it becomes a second nature habit, and it becomes automatic, so we don't even have to think about it. And just staying present, flowing with time instead of living in the past or the future can become our permanent way of being. And all it takes is practice and repetition. Same as developing any other habit. And there's three ways that we can practice letting go. And each one is a very powerful practice, and you will see benefits in your life. In ways you would never expect. This will just lead to a total transformation but one of those benefits will be no longer clinging on to regretful moments. The first thing we can do to practice letting go is a practice where we write on a piece of paper, that moment of regret, and we write whatever the event happened, whatever we wished it happened. Whatever we regret doing. And we write it down on a piece of paper. It can be one sentence can be a paragraph, but we write it down. We put all of our focus into you putting into that sheet of paper, that moment that really haunts us, we fold it in half, we light a little fire. And we can say a little prayer just to help us let go of this regret, and to help us put it in the past and leave it there. And we place that note into the fire. And as it burns, we allow ourselves to move on. And we have given that note to the universe, and the smoke has spread to all corners of the globe. And we no longer have to carry that regret within us. We have full permission now to set down that baggage. And we do not need to pick it up because we are releasing it. And this little ceremony is a very wonderful tool to symbolize that letting go process and to kick off this new shift in mindset. And then the next two practices are going to use that catalyst as a jumping off point to truly transform the way we experience and interact with the world around us. And the two practices that will continue forward are meditation and practicing presence. Meditation is so important. And I know I talk about a lot. And I know that a lot of people find it very difficult. But that is because we have these chaotic minds that are unfocused and completely chaotic. And they're totally out of control. And what meditation does is it brings that wild mind. And it focuses on one object that is in the here. And now whether it's the breath, or a mantra, or a candle, and the mind will wander whether it's to regret or lunch, what I'm going to eat later, but it will definitely wander. And every time it does, we just practice bringing our focus back to our breath, or mantra. And this repetition, this is the practice of letting go. Our mind wanders, it starts to think about, you know, what are we going to do tonight, and we practice letting go of that thought and returning to our breath or mantra. And we are making a commitment to the present moment. And over time, this habit of returning will tame the mind so that we are the masters instead of being used by this incessant negative thinking machine. And if we do this for a couple months, we will notice that soon, if not sooner, that whenever our mind turns to regret, we can easily shift our focus back to what is real, and what is important, which is the here and now because that is literally all there is if you choose to use your breath, which is a wonderful option, and an incredibly powerful practice for creating single pointed focus and concentration, which creates a peaceful, settled, calm mind instead of one that's always scattered and unfocused. Or we can use a mantra and that mantra can either be a sound like ohm, or a great mantra for regret because regret centers from us being overly critical of ourselves or someone else. A wonderful mantra for dealing with this is the mantra. I forgive them all. I forgive myself. I forgive them all. I forgive myself. And this is very important because every regret deals with some level of blame, whether it's ourselves or others, and this Montra done for in just one week, we should start to see some really noticeable diminishment in the amount of time we spend fixating on what could have been last. Lastly, we want to practice presence throughout the day, not just in meditation. And the way we do this, is by giving our full attention and awareness to our senses. So if we are eating food, we are only eating food, and we are tasting every bite, and every second, feeling the textures, tasting the flavors. And even sensing how that food affects our body. If we are walking through nature, or down the street, we feel the ground beneath each step. And we feel our weight shifting, and we feel the wind and the brush of our clothing as we move. And when we put our full attention on the sights, and the sounds, and the ground beneath our feet, we cannot be lost in thought. At the same time. As soon as the thought comes in. It takes our focus and attention. And we immediately lose touch with the here and now. And so whenever we look at something, we've looked at it, which is almost all the time. And whenever we hear a sound, we don't label it a sound, we don't analyze the sound, we just try to listen intently to the subtlety and nuance. And as soon as there's a label, as soon as the mind says good or bad, or bird or dog,

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we have lost the truth of the moment. And we immediately fall into the past and cling on to that sound, the moment we label it, because when we label it, we are labeling a sound that happened in the past. And we are immediately living in time again, instead of flowing with time. We're living in past present future, instead of flowing with this eternal moment that we have here. And as soon as we're labeling something that happened in the past, we are no longer experiencing what is happening in the now. Some people think that labeling critical, analyzing mind helps us. But we know that if someone throws a basketball at us, we don't have to think that's a basketball, I better put my hands up and catch it. So it doesn't hit me in the face. If you do that it's already hit you in the face, your mind and body are the most advanced, complex system in the entire universe that we know of. It is so much more powerful than a stream of thought, a sentence, one word at a time, flowing through our brain. That is actually a barrier to wisdom and understanding. Because there is so much more going on in any situation than what the mind can boil it down to. And as we get that mind out of the way. A much greater clarity and wisdom can emerge within us. And we will know with much more intelligence, how our actions we take now will affect the future. And whether that effect is in line with our highest good and our highest intentions. And so, the more present we become, the less likely we are to make those mistakes that we regret. But we still can embrace them, accept them and even love them. Because doing anything else would be madness. You've been listening to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. Being here and putting in this important and noble work is one of the great greatest gifts you can give yourself and others. If you found this podcast even a little helpful, please make sure to leave a review so it can reach others who may be in need. And remember, the path to peace starts with a single step.