Grief is so much more than a personal journey. It's how we show our love for our those we've lost to our friends and family. It's communal and it's one of the ways we all come together to heal.
But, we also all heal in our own way. Because there is no one right or wrong way to grieve, we may feel guilty if we don't conform in how we grieve. We may feel like celebrating the deceased's life instead of mourning the death. We may even laugh or smile as we remember funny stories.
While some family and friends may judge how we grieve, in this podcast I share how we can communicate our loss without feeling guilty about the way we express it. I talk about why we feel pressure to conform, how we can grieve on our own terms, and I share some stories of how I dealt with grief in my own life.
Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.
*****
If you ever feel like my words brought a change in your life, and want to show your SUPPORT for what I am doing, click here.
Find all of my BOOKS for wherever you are on your spiritual journey: https://www.eastwesticism.org/spiritual-meditation-books/
Want to gift a book to a prisoner? Go here.
Grief is so much more than a personal journey. It's how we show our love for our those we've lost to our friends and family. It's communal and it's one of the ways we all come together to heal.
But, we also all heal in our own way. Because there is no one right or wrong way to grieve, we may feel guilty if we don't conform in how we grieve. We may feel like celebrating the deceased's life instead of mourning the death. We may even laugh or smile as we remember funny stories.
While some family and friends may judge how we grieve, in this podcast I share how we can communicate our loss without feeling guilty about the way we express it. I talk about why we feel pressure to conform, how we can grieve on our own terms, and I share some stories of how I dealt with grief in my own life.
Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.
*****
If you ever feel like my words brought a change in your life, and want to show your SUPPORT for what I am doing, click here.
Find all of my BOOKS for wherever you are on your spiritual journey: https://www.eastwesticism.org/spiritual-meditation-books/
Want to gift a book to a prisoner? Go here.
0:02
Welcome to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter our world is a projection of our collective consciousness. The more peace we bring into our lives, the more peace we bring into this world. So let the transformation begin.
0:23
Hello, and welcome back to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter. The question today is, why does it feel wrong to seek inner peace while grieving? And that is such an important question.
0:37
Around the world, many cultures have a unspoken tradition, where close family members of a loved one who has been lost recently, are expected to show very strong signs of emotion, extreme weeping, and crying and screaming are all signs of deep love. For the last these emotive expressions as a ritual goes back for 1000s, if not hundreds of 1000s
1:24
And if not millions of years, in the cultures around the world that still practice this, they are the more connected to their ancestry cultures, they're more in tune, and in touch with ancient traditions. And so this has remained a consistent practice through today.
1:51
And all of us, even if we're in a very western or modern culture, very disconnected from ancient traditions, we all come from that lineage. And in these older cultures, these shows of affection and expressing our grief is not so much to do with the person and their feelings and their grief process. It's more to do with the culture. And it can be very hard to see when we are in that culture, or we are affected by that culture.
2:34
But the fact of the matter is, how we grieve, how we express ourselves, are all related to our culture. They are all conditioned responses, even though it may seem very natural, and of course, to some degree, it is natural and there is a natural grieving period.
2:59
But when we look at completely different cultures, we can easily begin to see how cultures have shaped people's expressions of grief. And in some cultures, we can see singing, dancing, and joyous festivities, when a loved one is lost.
3:20
In another culture, we can seem closed off disconnected, we can hide the grieving process altogether. We can hide the body, we can really repress those feelings of grief and loss publicly.
3:44
We can tell men, things like men don't cry, and we can tell that to boys or they can overhear that and also adopt and then in their third type of culture, it can be very expressive, it can be and this is in no way a negative judgement, but it can be performative, it can be my weeping is my celebration of this life.
4:11
My weeping is my expression of love, and for the world to see it. And in these cultures that can look like going silent for weeks, it can look like not eating for days, or eating very little for months and years.
4:31
And the more extreme, the expression of grief, the more love is shown for that loss person through that process, and through that expression.
4:47
And so whatever culture we're in, there's some subtle pressure put on us to show our good Reiff in a way that is acceptable and appropriate to that culture. So it becomes very difficult because sometimes someone is a very reserved person, and they may feel have great difficulty showing emotion.
5:22
And they may feel immense guilt on top of all of the loss and pain that they're suffering from, to the point where they are concerned about being judged, and maybe they are being judged, because we live in cultures, that all of these little judgments and opinions are designed to conform us. And let us know this is acceptable in our culture, this is not and this these are the ways that cultures are able to uniquely express themselves and develop and form their own individual styles and traditions.
6:11
Especially very close knit communal cultures, that have very strong family and community bonds. These sometimes well can be the most loving, can also put the most pressure on members of the family and community to be a certain way, think a certain way or act a certain way, and especially grieve a certain way.
6:38
And while it's good and important to be aware of society's pressures and the way they want to make others conform in the way they will judge and become opinionated, it's more important to remember that you know, how you felt that you know, what's going on in your heart, that every single person processes grief differently. And it can look strange, it can look quiet, it can look extreme, it can look awkward, it can be misinterpreted, it can be laughter, and silliness and remembering the good times.
7:39
And ultimately, nobody can make us feel bad, or feel worse or feel less than because of how we are grieving unless we let them unless we give them that power over us unless we say that these people know what's in our hearts better than we do.
8:00
But ultimately, no one else gets to tell us how we grieve more than us, of course, there are some formalities and traditions in cultures that we will want to respect for others, some which may be detrimental and harmful. And we're from an older way of thinking that our best to be gotten rid of some are beneficial and will endure because their benefits are evident.
8:38
And many, but there are others that we must politely, respectfully and lovingly decline. So that we can make the future a more beautiful, loving world.
8:58
And when it comes to something as innocuous as grief, we must feel confident and comfortable.
9:09
In moving forward. By listening to our heart first and foremost, being free to express being free to be numb cold inside if that's the response. But being free and not pressured to grieve the way your body, your mind your heart knows you need to is the most important thing.
9:43
Other people who are worried about other people and not from a sense of are they okay, but why are they not doing the normal conforming thing those kinds of people will never be satisfied.
10:03
They look for problems in conflict. And if they follow your example of following your own heart of concerning yourself most with yourself, and with others only and making sure that they're okay, then you are creating a ripple effect that will spread out throughout your culture, your community that says, people are different. We love and honor the differences. And that is the brighter way forward. For our people.
10:49
When I was very young, probably 15 or 16 years old, I was taking a photography class in school. And it was one of my favorite classes. It really just what clicked with me, you know, a photographer lived inside me. And this was one of the first times in school where I really felt a passion for what I was doing. And I just love taking pictures, making art, making something beautiful.
11:26
And when my grandma passed away, during that class, actually, I decided that my final photo project, which was to create a photo book with a theme, that I would choose my grandmother, because I loved her so much.
11:48
And I really wanted to honor her with this memorial of not just her passing but of her life.
11:57
And so I photographed things that made me think of her. And I asked my father, if it was okay, if I could photograph the funeral. And he was a little concerned. And I was asking him what he was concerned about. I said, you know, I don't want to take photos of people who are grieving, and very emotional, I don't want to like, take advantage of anyone, I don't want anyone to feel like they're being watched while they're grieving. And he said, No, actually, I'm not worried about that. I'm worried that other people will think it's disrespectful to your grandmother, or somehow rude in some way.
12:48
And that was the moment that I knew I was going to do this. And I had to do this, because I wanted to be respectful of people in their grief. And my father was concerned that people would not be respectful of my way of grieving. So there was this disconnect and values.
13:09
And I really thought like, If anyone doesn't think that I was crazy about my grandma, then those people, I just felt were now this is like a little kid's brain. But I was like, these people are so evil and so cruel and mean, to be mad at a child for showing his love in a slightly slightly stranger but very beautiful way if you if you look at it from my eyes, you know, creating this thing that we can remember forever and holding our hands and think of her.
13:59
So to me, I didn't feel the need to cater to those people who could think so ill of a young teenager honoring his grandma and them judging that he's dishonouring you know, a woman who he or me was much closer to than anyone else, except for my dad and his sister.
14:25
And so I did it. I didn't get too many stairs, or too many mean looks very few. Everyone was pretty loving and I think understanding and nobody said anything. But when that photo book was finished, and just that tears in people's eyes, really of joy and of healing, when they would flip through this photo book which was punctuated with a poem I had written about her, that also was my eulogy.
15:07
And if I had grieved the way others would have wanted me to, it would have been much harder to get over this loss.
15:19
It would have been less special. Her her life and the beautiful legacy she left behind, if we didn't have this beautiful piece of art dedicated to her and to her life that is still cherished today.
15:48
And I even remember, at the time, thinking, why aren't I crying? And I just thought, everyone cries at funerals you see it in every movie and TV show. And I, when I heard she died, I don't believe I cried. And I was really self critical of myself for the same conditioning that we're all wondering about, and we're all going through.
16:21
And it wasn't until the eulogy, when I read that poem that I really became a blubbering. Cry Baby. And I barely made it through the end, I think the rabbi offered to help.
16:40
But I think I managed to get through it. Meanwhile, my brother who was much less emotional in general, much less open about his feelings, I don't believe he cried. I never saw him cry after her passing.
16:56
And I know that that is a very common response. And I just want everyone grieving or who may grieve to know that there is no right way. There is no wrong way. There is allowing yourself to be and trying and trying not to repress yourself not to let others repression, society's repression, repress your emotions, and your expression. But if you are repressed, if you have been drilled with men, don't cry, boys, don't cry, or don't show your feelings in public.
17:44
Then allow that to and don't judge yourself for being repressed, don't judge your self for being unable to cry, but wanting to just open yourself to the experience, the more you resist any part of this process, the grieving process, the more difficult that process becomes, because it is a long road to the end of grief, to full healing, never forgetting but getting to a place where remembering those last ones brings us joy in getting to have that memory.
18:39
And if we resist it, we run away from that final destination of acceptance. And once we can start to look down that road of healing, we can see that the end is to face and accept that which is most difficult to make peace with the most and greatest source of inner devastation.
19:22
But once we start down that path, and we face the end of our journey, we see that it is not as scary as we feared it to be. There is a life forward. There is more joy ahead.
19:44
We just have to muster that courage and confidence to face that loss to go through that process. And know deep down that the ones we lost are with us forever.
20:06
We may not get to make new memories, but the memories we have live forever.
20:15
And we can be grateful for the ones we have. And grateful for the fact that there would be no grief. If there was no love.
20:30
We only grieve for the ones we love. And we only love because we were so blessed, so lucky to have known. A beautiful soul. Like the ones we grieve. So be brave, even in your grief.
21:00
Whatever you are doing is your way. And that means that's your right way. And do not feel that you need to earn the acceptance or approval of someone who would judge a person in their most vulnerable and lowest time. We all grieve different, we all rejoice different. And that is a beautiful truth about being alive, is that there are so many different kinds of people, and everyone is beautiful.
21:43
Every person's process to heal is beautiful. I'm reminded of how many police cases exist where they think they've got the right person. Because someone who just lost a loved one is acting weird, like they are frozen in shock or instead of crying. They are they're seeming very normal. And later evidence comes out that these people were innocent. But what happens is everyone reacts to trauma differently. Some people freeze, some people deny, and they will act perfectly normal because they are in survival mode. And for them. Survival mode means shutting down your feelings.
22:50
Because perhaps that's what worked for them in the past. Some people have a psychotic break and may seem happy. And again, this is their trauma response. This is what they have found to cope with difficult times in the past.
23:10
And so they cannot help but laugh or smile in the face of loss. But no matter how we grieve it is vitally important that we allow ourselves, the time and the space for that healing process to take place.
23:35
Even if it's simply being estranged from your family, whether a child cut you off or you cut off a child or a sibling or anytime family is not speaking, this is equally important that we take the time to heal because that can be as traumatic and it can be even more traumatic, just from estrangement, but whatever we are grieving we must create a peaceful and calm surrounding an environment. non judgmental where we can think about those people or that person we lost.
24:24
We can remember them. We can laugh, we can cry. But we just must spend some time caressing our pain and really cradling ourselves because we need that love. That love will heal.
24:54
And it's there for all of us even if it comes from within our own heart. If grief is love unexpressed, then express that love to yourself and the healing can take place. Thank you so much for listening. This has been path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. Peace and love.
25:22
You've been listening to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. Being here and putting in this important and noble work is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and others. If you found this podcast even a little helpful, please make sure to leave a review so it can reach others who may be in need. And remember, the path to peace starts with a single step.