Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter

Why Do I Get Hurt When People Say Mean Things to Me?

December 12, 2022 Todd Perelmuter Season 1 Episode 64
Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter
Why Do I Get Hurt When People Say Mean Things to Me?
Show Notes Transcript

If you're living and breathing, someone at some point in life will inevitably say something mean. Every single one of us has been hurt in some way, AND every one of us has probably accidentally said a mean word or two as well. It's human nature. Unless we live in a completely toxic-free society, we're going to be hurt and we're going to subconsciously and unintentionally pass that hurt on to others. 

So, how do we break that chain of hurt? How do we transform that cruelty in the world into something more positive? How does that hurt happen in the first place and how can we stay present and joyful in the face of cruelty? I answer these questions and more in today's podcast.

Please enjoy other episodes where Todd shares meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

If you have enjoyed listening to the podcast, please share a review. It will help many others find their Path to Peace as well.

*****
If you ever feel like my words brought a change in your life, and want to show your SUPPORT for what I am doing, click here.

Find all of my BOOKS for wherever you are on your spiritual journey: https://www.eastwesticism.org/spiritual-meditation-books/

Want to gift a book to a prisoner? Go here.

0:02  
Welcome to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter our world is a projection of our collective consciousness. The more peace we bring into our lives, the more peace we bring into this world. So let the transformation begin.

0:24  
Hello, and welcome to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. I'm your host, Todd Perelmuter. And today, the topic is, why do I get hurt when people say mean things to me.

0:41  
And there are really three reasons why we get hurt when people say mean things to us. And I'll go through each one separately. And the first reason is because we mistake Our want for praise, for need for praise. And we all want to be praised, we all want to be complimented. And we also all make mistakes.

1:19  
But we all want to be complimented, we want to be praised. And when we mistake that want for need, our happiness, our self worth becomes dependent on what other people think. And this causes so much suffering.

1:44  
Because people can only really praise others, when they feel good about themselves. When they feel so good about who they are, they have extra compliments, that they can give away. But when someone feels terrible about themselves, when a person is putting on a front that they're confident and happy people.

2:14  
But deep down, they feel inadequate. They only see inadequacy in others, because what we see in the world is merely a projection of what we see in ourselves.

2:35  
If we don't have a certain quality that we would love to have, or maybe we're not even aware that we don't have it, we don't see that and others, we don't see the positive when we are thinking so negatively about ourselves.

3:01  
If deep down we feel we are stupid, then it's very easy to call someone else stupid and feel better about ourselves, and to correct that inadequacy, or that sense of it. And I encourage you to notice in others when someone criticizes someone else, look at how often that same thing could be said about the person who's criticizing someone else. Almost always, what people say about someone else is more true about the person saying it. 

3:45  
And that goes for negative and positive things. When we can recognize someone's brilliance, and we tell them they're brilliant. It's because you're smart enough to recognize when someone is smart. If someone's talking about quantum mechanics, and you don't know what the hell they're talking about, then you may just think this person's talking nonsense. But if you know a little bit about it, if you're pretty smart in that topic, then you can recognize when someone else is smart about it.

4:20  
And so the more we recognize that what people say is just a mirror to them, a projection of how they feel about themselves, that they are putting out onto the world.

4:38  
Then suddenly, people saying mean things, is met with pity and empathy, not feelings of hurt and pain. Only when we lose sight of this deep truth, we get hurt when people say mean things. 

5:03  
And the reason we forget this essential truth is because of number two. The second reason we hurt when people say mean things, and that is because we are self focused. 

5:22  
As soon as someone says something mean, we instead of thinking of the other person, and what they're going through, and what kind of person would say that, we think, how could this happened to me? How could they say that to me, and we put ourselves in the center of this Drama, we make ourselves the victim, and the focal point of this story that we tell ourselves in our mind, about this injustice that happened. 

5:58  
And we immediately lose sight of the fact that someone just said something that clearly expresses some kind of suffering in that person, that is no reflection of us, it is a reflection of them. Because no good, kind, decent person would say a mean thing to someone. And that's not to say that that person is a bad person, and that they are in this category of unworthy.

6:36  
And you know, some irredeemable person, it's rather to say that in this moment, they are acting in an unkind way. So what kind of cruelty did they face because no one who is loving kind and has had a life of positive people, says mean things to others, someone who is in a good place, shares compliments, is freely gives kind words away.

7:15  
And so when someone says something unkind, we know that they are reflecting their own view of the world, which is one that has been unkind to them.

7:30  
And maybe we don't even know what it is, in their life that made this person turn out this way in this moment. But we know that there is something they can be rich, but maybe they had a parent or two that focused on money more than love and kindness. Maybe they're going through something really difficult right now in their lives. And they are unconsciously, making sure that everyone around them is as miserable as they are and feeling their pain.

8:11  
This is another very real phenomena, where, when we are miserable, we subconsciously and sometimes consciously make others feel the way we're feeling. You know, we'll be in a bad mood, and we take it out on someone, or something will really upset us. And we'll just become complaining or mean and nasty to whoever is around. Almost as a cry for help, like, other people should know what I'm going through.

8:45  
But when we start to react unconsciously, to a hurtful word, we stop thinking about the other person. And we only think about ourselves, our pain and our suffering, and that becomes our total focal point. And so when something becomes our focus of attention, whatever it is, gets amplified, and it gets bigger and bigger and when it takes up our full attention.

9:27  
That hurt and pain gets so magnified beyond the actual slight and insult and it takes on a life of its own. And it is totally consuming and we have a hard time thinking of anything else. But how offended we are how hurt we are.

9:53  
And that hurt just gets exaggerated and exaggerated and we all know that in the No drama, narrative of our mind, something happened that was totally unjustified, and totally uncalled for. And no one can ever treat me like that. And we just get so mad. And it's not to even say that we did anything or that it was our fault at all. 

10:21  
But it's simply to point out that we no longer see where it was coming from. Because we can only feel where it landed. And so it skews our perspective of the situation. And it creates a one sided tale about the situation. And as soon as we noticed that hurt, that pain, that downward spiral that we just cannot get out of that just ruined our day, maybe are weak.

10:57  
And we're thinking about the hurt and the pain and how we can maybe seek vengeance or her whatever that downward spiral entails. If we shift our focus to a bigger picture, we can get out of that hole. If we start to think, where is this person coming from? What would make them say that?

11:29  
How can I best convey what this person did, and how it was wrong in a loving, positive way. Because really, it is that love, that will heal your hurt, and their hurt. And this doesn't mean, you know, being nice to someone who's mean, you know, it can be getting away from a person and saying, I need to leave.

11:59  
That was really not nice, not kind. And I hope you get help for learning how to treat people better.

12:08  
And by doing this, instead of screaming and yelling, and hurling insults back or getting into a fight, we leave with love. And it's not about rewarding someone else. It's simply about healing your own pain, maintaining your own composure and dignity, and not giving away the power of your emotional state, to someone else, who is clearly hurting. 

12:40  
And so just the more we think of others, the more we focus on not just ourselves, but the entire situation, the less attention we're putting on ourself. And this is really the antidote to being absorbed, and feeling all that pain. And it really heals all of that pain immediately.

13:11  
And really, the core of this pain, from some someone's cruel words, comes down to feeling like we are at the center of this situation, versus we are witnessing a situation. And it's really that difference between watching a movie where no matter what any character says, In the film, we don't get our feelings hurt, because we know they're not saying it to us, we are just the witnesses. 

13:52  
When we are in a conversation, we think that the words are coming at us instead of witnessing those words. And so suddenly, there is our false sense of self that is at the center of this story. And this brings me to the third reason that we really hurt when people say mean things, and that is this mis identification with our ego, with the thinking mind with those thoughts in our head with that false entity that doesn't actually exist, but that hurts when mean things are said about it. And that doesn't exist at all. And it is not who we are.

14:47  
If you look close at where is this pain, what actually is hurt, you won't find anything. But because we identify with the ego and the thinking mind these thoughts in our head. It sounds like us, it impersonates us. And we really believe we are these thoughts that this voice in our head is the core of who we are. 

15:16  
And this voice is the one that says, how could they say that those people are so mean, I'm not I didn't do anything wrong, you know, all of the whole story, that whole story of the pain comes from these thoughts in our head. But we are so much more than the thoughts in our head. In fact, when we have moments of no thought, we are still ourselves, we didn't disappear. And that is proof that this voice is not us. It is simply a product of having this body and brain. 

16:05  
But it is not the essence of who we are. The essence is that point of consciousness inside of us, that hears those thoughts, that witnesses those thoughts and emotions, that can choose to ignore the thoughts, believe the thoughts or simply let the thoughts be.

16:29  
And the best thing to do, to really dis identify with the ego is to watch it. And really just give it give some time every day to really pay attention to the thoughts. And notice how they pop in and come out of nowhere. And we aren't choosing them. And we don't know what our next thought will be. And this allows us to recognize that thoughts come and go. And they happen beyond our control.

17:14  
And we don't have to follow those thoughts become attached to those thoughts, or even identify with those thoughts. We can just witness becoming and going, the arising and falling away. Just like we witness sounds around us arise into our field of consciousness and disappear.

17:41  
And we can witness positive thoughts. And we can witness negative thoughts. And we can always remain that peaceful watcher. And the more we do that, the more easy it is to witness the words of other people, positive or negative. And we can remain that peaceful watcher because we are becoming identified with that, instead of thoughts and words. This is recognizing our true nature, our deepest level of consciousness from which every experience of our life is perceived through and that consciousness is unchanging, and deeply peaceful.

18:39  
Only the things that come into the field of consciousness can fluctuate and be chaotic. But when we identify with consciousness itself, and the more we become aware of awareness, the more peace we bring into our lives. And that can be in meditation, or it can be in the shower. You know, wherever we are, wherever we can remind ourselves that we don't have to do anything right now. 

19:18  
But just be present. And watch our thoughts. Anytime we put the phone down, and we're not distracted by people or entertainment. And we just sit with ourselves or if we're sitting with others, we have one foot in the conversation and in the experience we're having and we have one foot in that deep field of consciousness.

19:54  
Simply aware that we are aware and we can do this Anytime, whatever is happening, we can simply become aware that we are witnessing the situation.

20:12  
And the more we become aware of our senses, and not just the objects that our senses are perceiving, the more we notice that our consciousness expands out into space, in every direction, from our sound that we're hearing, to the sights that we're seeing. We are beyond our body. 

20:41  
And as we become beyond our body, then that sense of being a separate entity, a separate human being, that is independent of everything else, slowly fades away. And a sense of oneness emerges. And when we tap into that oneness, that one life that connects all living beings on this planet, as we become more than these physical bodies, and we recognize that animating energy within me, and that's the same within you, and with everyone else, that lifeforce energy.

21:31  
We're recognizing that Stardust that has evolved into every living being on this planet, then a sense of separate self, which can even be hurt by any act of cruelty or unkindness, disappears. And there is nothing on this earth that can hurt a infinite being.

22:07  
Connect connected to everything. When we identify with that ego, and that ego needs to be inflated, or else it feels hurt, then we are creating a target. And the bigger the ego, the bigger the target, even if someone seems very confident. That is typically a person who needs constant praise or has to tell themselves constant praise or else they feel worthless because they have inflated an ego. 

22:44  
But an ego is a target and the bigger the target, the easier it is to be crushed by a lack of praise or an unkind word. But when we disidentify with that ego, and we recognize the oneness, within all things, when we recognize there is no separate self, that can be hurt.

23:14  
And that we are all perfect manifestations of this universe, playing out in the beautiful, ever changing forms we see around us. Everything simply becomes the dance of life.

23:38  
When there is no separate self, there is nothing that can be hurt. And when we recognize the oneness, that we are simply a manifestation from our parents, and our grandparents, and all the way back to the first single celled organism. And we are all deeply intricately connected.

24:10  
When we see that we are the plants whose air we breathe. And we are the earth whose food we eat. When we see that we are that ever lasting, eternal and infinite consciousness.

24:31  
Change changeless and formless we become invincible, to any words, any thoughts and only a deep sense of profound peace and bliss can remain and we simply have to practice being in that state until it becomes a habit.

25:03  
And once that happens, we become free from all negativity, pain and suffering. As long as we can remember, we are perfect expressions of a perfect universe with no need for praise, that we are not the recipients of what's happening, but rather, the watchers. And that we are more concerned with others than ourselves, which again, connects us to everyone and everything more than that self focused thinking.

25:56  
And the more we recognize the ego, so that we can dis identify with it. And notice that it is simply a thinking machine with inside of us great for creating tools and finding food and mates, but not great for when our own peace of mind becomes dependent on creating perfect external situations. 

26:32  
And when it runs amok and disturbs our inner peace, then we are finally immune from any harsh words, that anyone who is feeling harsh about themselves could ever say to us. So those three things are the key to getting through the holidays, this season, and anything else any other time of year, where you're in a situation, and you're around negative people who are lashing out and projecting their negativity onto others.

27:17  
Simply recognize that you are perfect, and you don't need that praise. And it doesn't even matter if there is criticism because you are enough.

27:33  
God in human form, really. And remember to turn that attention and focus towards the other person and towards the situation and think how can you best share, express and be love for them and yourself?

27:54  
And recognizing that we're all one. We are not these egos, these thinking minds that are always fear based and living in scarcity and lack and never enough, never good enough. And recognizing we are that eternal changeless formless consciousness that can never be hurt.

28:20  
Thank you so much for listening. This has been path to peace with Todd Perelmuter.

28:26  
Peace and love.

28:28  
You've been listening to path to peace with Todd Perelmuter. Being here and putting in this important and noble work is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and others. If you found this podcast even a little helpful. Please make sure to leave a review so it can reach others who may be in need. And remember, the path to peace starts with a single step.